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| oops |
| 05.09.04 (2:42 pm) [edit] |
so much for me actually updating this fucker, lol. Although I don't think people actually really look at it, but still i feel kind of bad.
ummm, update?
going out with dan
catching up in school
ridiculous amounts of rehearsals this week [every day!]
theory still hard
voice exam, need to learn a lot
I am relatively happy these days, well not happy, but my hatred for everything is so excepted that i don't really comment on it anymore, it's just normal everyday shit. Plus the sex really helps me relax.
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| stress post |
| 04.05.04 (4:40 pm) [edit] |
welcome to becky's stress post...
things i have to get done tonight -
theory work
music history work
theory lesson
biology lab [not started, due today]
a paragraph on gothic literature [due last thursday]
A LOT of math [i'm not going to do it]
and that is just tonight. So why, might you ask, am I wasting my time writing a journal entry? Well, i'll tell you. I'm a procrastinator. I've been home half an hour, and you know what i did? I made coffee, and cheese melted on crackers with tomatoes and i sat down and starting this journal. Hell, i'm not even on msn. YOu know what i'm going to do after this? I'm goign to go on www.pahardcore.com, check the posts, then i'm going to go on www.punkottawa.com and check to see if the alexisonfire show is sold out yet because i didn't go get my tickets THEN i'm going to go on www.punknet.com and check out record reviews then i'm going to go on www.hanson.net and check and see if anyone has replied to my distillers post. then i'm going to copy and paste this to my tblog journal, then i'm going to go on devart then i'm going to start doing work. this is not good. this is really not good. and you know what else is not good? i feel the need to do more. I want to direct a play for arts fest at school BUT i'm already in a fucking play for youth infringement, and i started soccer at school today, and i have theory and voice. Oh, did I mention kiwanis is in 2 week?s STREESS STRESS. I can't sing infront of people, fo some reason [yoriko was getting upset over this] i only sing well with her and when she's at the piano. Even when i'm singing with a tape I don't do it well. See? i suck! i just suck, and i'm not good enough and i have to keep working and i have to work harder andi have to stop giving myself "brakes" and i have to get everything into gear.
Haha, a quote that stuck out in my mind from the movie blow "sometimes people are so busy working towards life that they forget to live it" and that is deffiantely the story of myself. But then again, this can nnot be life.
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| well, it's been a while |
| 04.03.04 (11:47 am) [edit] |
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it's been a while since I posted, lol, i've been very fucking busy. I should probably update you all on my extreme amounts of stress this week, and how i found my work habits on wednesday and pulled through. Maybe I should write about how I didn't skip class on monday tuesday wednesday or friday. But most importantly I should talk about how I skipped the afternoon thursday and met The Distillers twice, and how amazing they are as people and my embarassing story and how they laughed at me. Or maybe I should talk about the great people I met waiting in line for the concert, or maybe I should talk about the concert itself and how I had fun for .. oh god, i don't know how long, but pure good fun. Maybe I should talk about the pain I"m still in 2 days after, and how moshing apparently comes naturally to my aggressive personality. Maybe I should talk about the party at chelsea's house last night, and how I puked again and all my worries about why I keep puking when i'm not really fucked up. Maybe I should talk about the people i met there, one guy in particular who I really got along with and wish I had some form of contact with him. Maybe I could talk about how I want to be bulemic, but can't make myself stoop that low to please my mother, or maybe I should write about how I can't sleep these days unless I have something to drink. Maybe I should write about how all the mundane things going on around me are making me happy, but I still can't make myself happy with myself. maybe I should write about the shame I feel for being such a failure, and maybe I should write about my want to leave or die. But I think this will do for now.
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| drain the blood... mmmm blood |
| 03.30.04 (5:13 pm) [edit] |
I don't really know how I feel anymore. I'm not as angry as I was a couple of weeks ago, but I'm still not happy. More jolly.
I need to sleep. All my joints are soar and my neck hurts like a bitch and all this coffee i'm downing to wake myself up is not good for me. It's 5 oclock in the afternoon and all I want to do is sleep. or go out. I'ts so nice outisde. but there's nobody here to go out with, and I feel like making a connection right now.
Yesterday was the merivale show, and it made me happy. I got to see all those people again, I always enjoy my time with them so much and I wish I could spend more time iwth them,but my schedule just doesn't let me. It doesn't let me do much, but I don't really need more. I just feel like I do because i grew up with so much that I feel the lack.
Rehearsal afterschool, not much really. I think I'm on stage once in the entire play. Which is good because I don't have to memorise/work with it alot which fits inwell with my schedule. Oh wait, no I'm on stage twice, plus 2 answering machine messages and an entirely different character... I need to do a lot of voice work, but that's my specialty.
Theory, gah. It's so hard,because i know nothing.. but i still know a lot.. but it's never enough. either way, i have to stop procrastinating on the work, because it only gets easier.
Stayed up all night doing a script report and finishing those god forsaken drama journals.
Today we went into the greenhouse for bio, we had to plant our plants.. which was a lot of fun. My partners krissy [she's my parnter for everythin, us being the only gr10's in our class] and we prety much were making soil out of dry dry dirt. Very messy, very fun.
Drama................................ FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUCK. I put on my mask for the first time today, and we walked. Or rather played with it, I don't know though... I'm supposed to express the mask, not express what i think the mask is, or what I want it to be. Which is very hard. because I want to be old and sweet and I'm trying to pull myself in that direction.. but I think i'm just going to be a stupid woman that doesn't know what's going on around her. Not very fun to play. And it's starting to stress me... this is a very important unit and I really have to make the best of it, and learn the best of it.
English and Math went by in a wiz today... but english was such a nostalgic period.. because we spent the first half hour sharing how the changing of the seasons makes us remember our childhood and the changes that happened then and that happen now. Then we wrote about it, then we moved on to work.. oh which reminds me i have english homework *gfood to know*
The Distillers concert is on thursday, and I'm so nervous never having gone to a rock concert before, and I don't really know who I'm going with. I thought I was going with Laura and Kristal but Kristal has her own little plan about how she's surprising laura with it so I don't want to interfere or antyhing, and I want to go with Kayli more really.. so kayli... when you read this, email me with what you know about your plans.
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| wEEt |
| 03.28.04 (12:15 pm) [edit] |
I had a great day yesterday, maybe it was all the coffee.. and maybe it wasn't.
Insight went to this workshop at a church, and it actually went well. It was all these grandmothers and they were so cool! Dood, i love them. and we get a 10$ gift certificate to AMC, and I know I shouldn't be complaining.. but when do I go to AMC? I thought we were getting HMV *tear* either way, i'm being a stuck up prude so moving along...
Afterwards I went downtown with Kayli, and she bo0ught posters, and i bought postcards ;) (because I'm way to cheap for posters) then we went to rock junction and I rebot 3 of thepins I lost.. "masterbate" "hello my name is satan" and "have a nice death" Then we ended up seeing Jason Sparks and Enoch again [we went to starbucks after the workshop with them and laura wilson and adam wray] and enoch went home and jason walked me up to mackenzie king and then went to his locker at U of O. Oh! lol, so funny, I had to pee so badly on the bus it was PAINFUL like it actualy really hurt, so I got off at Kanata Town Centre, and ofcourse there's no stores or anything there so I walk up to these bus drivers who are having a smoke and plead with them to let me use the bus drivers bathroom.. well they let me, it was funny... lol.
Then I went to Laura's and we watched matchstick men [which i have already seen] and I noticed the lighting more this time.. and it's amazing. It's so dark and precise, seeing things from his point of view. OH! and Brad Ide Gibson [or something] was there, I had met him before with Dylan once, but I dind't relaly remember, he walked me home after sex and the city [he lives like up my street] and he was a nice guy, somebody i may infact become friends with, but you never know. I think we may actually have too mcuh in common, except for the fact that he's still kanatasised. or maybe i should say earlsised. whatever.
Oh yah, when i got home last night at 1, i started watching tv.. and guess what movie was on? QUILLS which is one of my all time favorite movies, i love it so much, but I went to bed at like 3 so I didn't get to watch all of it. Also Eduard Scissoerhands was on wtv, and I watched a bit of it, and I loved what I saw, the colors! holy shit! it was a beautiful movie, plus eduard himself was the cutest thing in the world. So now I have to rent the movie, so that I can actually see it.
Today I was supposed to go to the Opera, but I thought it was at night so i didn't do laundry or homework, therefore when my dad wolk me up t 12:30 and told me we were elaving in an hour I didn't end up going. lol. i can't go to the opera in my pj's, i'll go to plays in my pj's, but not the opera. Plus I have 10, well noe 9 [io've done one] drama journals to do, and I have to research my bio thing and reread chapters 1-6 in to kill a mockingird.. actually i'll do that tomorrow morning on the bus.
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| wow |
| 03.27.04 (6:44 am) [edit] |
yesterday, i had ridiculously large copius amounts of fun.
in Biology I figured out my blood type [b-] it was kind of funnythough, because of my whole blood problems there wasn't anything coming out of my fingers. So i pretty much had to dig really deap in about 4 places on each finger tip, andi also cut open differnt parts.. it took me 25 minutes to get a drop of blood! Oh well. Now I know my blood type XD
In drama we painted our masks.. oh dear lord, it's amazing.. i can' wait.. i wan't to work now.. eh gah eh gah eh gah...
In english we had a "puddling" period, which means we got to do anything we wanted, I wrote and drew and it was fun.
In math i got really yelled at and everyone came to the realisation that our teacher is a prick, that talks to slowly and takes these really really long pauses and expects us not to get bored when he doesn't talk! gah! eitehr way.
AFTER SCHOOL, Laura met me downtown with kristal and we were also with Katie and Peter, then Marah and her boyfriend came [god damn, how does she find a boy like that... phiew.. he was hott] and david. We all hung out for a bit, got bubbletea etc, then we went to FASHION SHOW. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. It was a very big deal thisyear, in the auditoriumand everything, and omg.. it was amazing. The theme of the show was "Restrictions" and they gave each section a different restricition. Like in the first section they could only use white material - no color, in the second section they gave them this really really ugly fabric and they had to incorporate it, in the third section they listened to this peice of music [that was being played on stage during the show] and design how they felt, and then in the last section they designed on what they feel society gets restricted too. There was dance peices throughout the show, and movies about aids awareness [50% of the profit was going to unicef for aids/hiv] the war in iraq and consumerism. it also helped that in the last part they were walking to marilyn manson "fight song" "new model" and "i don't lik the drugs". It was amazing, I was blown away. Laura W. and Elly were in it, and they were so sexy! Awww, i love them so much. for the censored part elly was kind of dressed ina suit and ended up kissing this girl, to show how gay marriages were censored, and Laura was wearing a little black tube dress and on the back it had a picture of goerge bush and "one term president". They were in other sections too but that part just blew me away!
Oh dear lord, it was amazing... man.. dude.. weet!
music: MM, mood: drinking coffee
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| ooh what a beautiful mooornning |
| 03.25.04 (5:14 pm) [edit] |
AAAHHHH I had a social life today! It was amazing... it was only a half day of school so after school [at 1] I went downtown w/a lot of people and we all went and got bubble tea [actually only me and katie got bubble tea.. but we were all in the bubble tea place] then we all went to an army surpluss store, I still don't know why, and yah. I ended up hanging out at Peters, watching tv, being pointless... but it was so nice! We watched passions, and but in "my vagina" after every line, and we watched that stupid extreme elimination show on spike tv, and stand up comedy, and we pretty much were just total stupid teenagers which was wonderful! We also had a tackle in his kitchen over what to make and we played with his knifes, which added to the fun!
Guess what? I'm turning into angie: i.e.: sleeping too much. [hahaha, i'm such a comedian] either way, i go to bed at like midnight, which is fairly decent and what I've been doing for the past two years. But now, when I get to school, I pass out on the ground and sleep for an hour. It's kind of disconcerting because i just "rest my head" for a bit, and the school is totally empty.. and then i wake up in a crowd of people. Either way, between that and sleeping on the bus I have no time to wake up in the morning... so I end up trying to wake up during Biology.. my hardest class [this is not a good thing].
I also have 10 drama journals that I need to do for tomorrow, which I won't do tonight, but I'll hand in monday. For once I don't understand the math homework,and for once i started doing it at home, lol, but still.. it didn't make sense... what are two numbers that can be multiplied into 7, but add into 9? Either way, math sux, english rox, drama is GOD and bio is hard... Oh did I mention that the nose on my mask didn't dry last night, so when mr. griffin and I were trying to cut nose holes it didn't work and my nose ALMOST COLLAPSED. if that happened, I would kill myslef. eh gad!
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| all old entries |
| 03.24.04 (3:08 pm) [edit] |
Well i was very happy today because LAURA MADE IT BACK IN and she's coming next year... which made me especially happy and in a good mood. BUT we were supposed to go out for coffee or something to celebrate and hang out etc but now she tells me that hse can't because she has homework. godo for her for doing work, but i have always hated being placed second place in the eyes of those i love, and seems like i get shoveled behind homework.
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Well I have an insight show today at John Macae [sp?], I hope to see one of my old friends there, Steph. She was one of my "smoking buddies" last year, smoking buddies is the term I use to define people that smoke that I don't hate. [there's about 3] At it will be nice to see her, but I'll only see her if she comes and talks to me, which shebetter. I know sometimes at shows the people i want to talk to are to embarassed to come talk to me afterwards and it always makes me feel kinda shitty because I feel like they don't want to see me. I'm sure they all do though, i'm just paranoid.
I have to do an etude in drama next period and I"m scared shitless, neutral mask is such a hard thing to do and i'm afraid to get into the "high stakes" emotion but if I don't then i'll be screwed. For all those un-dramas rerading this a netural mask is a brown mask that covers all your face, except for your eyes and nostril holes. With neutral mask you work on feeling deep emotion, usually painful emotion, and expressing it through your body in tiny motions [it's not like alterego or comedia where it's exagerated]. In an etude, which is the ultimate goal, you take a minute to do high stakes emotion which is pretty much a time when all your is falling about and you are doomed kind of thing. For me, I'm getting a letter saying I have HIV, other people are watchiong people die etc.
Tonight I have weight watchers, and if you read goeff's livejournal you would know that I absolutely do NOT follow the diet. And everytime I go there, and gain a pound, I can feel the dispointement seeping from the people that work there and blazing from my mother. I think I'm going to ask her if we could stop going, i mean it's 10 bucks a week which is a lot of money to spend if I'm not getting anything from it.
I should be doing homework right now, but if you read my livejournal you would know I'm feelig very unmotivated therefore I will not be doing any homework and will deal withthe consequences.
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I had insight at John Macrae [sp?] and I saw this old friend of mine Steph, and she told me she misses me and misses canterbury and she got my number and promised to call... which she won't, but that doesn't change the happy feeling a got when we were together again.
Doing insight just makes me happy, so there's another good thing. Oh and afterwards Enoch and Angie and I hung out downtown and walked over to Jack Purcell to reminisce. Oh those summer training days... those were the best. I miss it soo much, and for that I want to be a Drama Assistant but I don't think I will make it because...
Erin and I went out for coffee to discuss my skipping of school after Insight, and she pretty much said that if I didn't stop then I would get kicked out. But I made a promise to myself, and to my therapist, a long time ago that I wouldn't continue to do things for other peoples benefit if it didn't fit in with the way I want to live my life. And I [u]need[/u] to miss school, if I don't I get really bored and stop paying attention etc.
Oh today I also found out that Peter is probably going to stay with Acey in toronto at the same time as I'm going. And I love peter, he always makes me feel better when I'm shitty. We aren't exactly friends, but whever we talk it just works, like we analyse paintings a lot together and talk a lot about human nature and society and we agree as much as we disagree but we can always figuer each other out. I guess we're both afraid that if we became friends, we would loose those special moments in the big array of a social life.
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Hey guys, so.. friday night or saturday morning, lol 2:52 am. Having a sleepvoer with Lauren Guitar, semifriend that lives in orleans and i never really see. We're watching/reading anime, after spending 4 hours in chapters across ottawa... lol. My nose is running and my eyes are puffy, as always happens when i'm in my basement too long, but oh well. that's where we're sleeping. Kind of sorry I didn't go to Owen's party tonight, it may have been fun, but i wasn't really looking forward to the possibility of Aaron's party.. os I"m happy I didn't go. I dind't feel like getting drunk tonight. No new updates on anything pertaining to my llife... excpet i got my script for youth infringement and the play I'm doing is BOOOORRRING but oh well, i get to smoke on stage which i think is pretty funny and i have the possibility of playing tow roles which owuld make it much more enjoyable for me.
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watched two movies alone last night
Matchstick Men
and
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
I love nicholas cage, it's official, he's a great wonderful sexy old man. lol. His ticks are amazing, and he's so believable... sometimes it's hard to believe a character if you knwo the actor, but it wasn't the case with this guy, he's just so good.
Jonny Depp has amazing physicality... I think i'm going to sujjest to mr.griffin to use him as an example because he's so amazingly cartoony it's great.
I had voice lesson, and i love it so much, I just love Yoriko. She makes me feel like I'm a good person and i don't know many other.. actually I don't think I know anybody that makes me feel like that.
Today is a beautiful day, i feel beautiful. it's the kind of day where you want to go out and see the world and show them how strong and bueaitufl you are but unfortunately i'm driving for 6 horus before I see anybody else, I hope I get along with my sister. It should eb fun, I can't wait!!!! I need to get out of this city,leave everything behind, for a couple of days. It'll be a good healing process.
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Keep fucking hoping that there is something mor.e that's the omly thing that keeps me alive these days. The hope that what I see, or what I feel or what ishappening is truly the nothing i interpret it to be and that there is something more to it. Something worth being for. i want to kiill myself, I won't lie. I sit alone, in a crowd, and wonder WHY why for everthing and i just want to end it. I just want it to all end, to not think anymyore. My universes don't work anymore, the parralell worlds Iused to live in constantly, always existing with other people and othe times used to keep me from being, but now I can't do that anyompore. And i hate it. I want to be as shallow as I was, to stop thinking. And the knowledge that i'm scraping the surface, that in a couple of years I will be even deaper makes me want to kill myself. The more i see, the more i experience the more i don't want to, the more i want to die.
Are physical problems more important or more true then metaphysical ones.
I have the perfect life, the prefect oportunities and the perfect family... but does tyhat mean that I shouldn't be feeling like this?
I never have real problems with those around me or society as a whole, i juyst say it because i have so many problems with myself. Are my problmes just created by me: answer: yes. I am the brute of allmy problems, the reason they exist. Society isn't evil, I am. Evil cannot truly be defineed but if it could it would be the way I think. Takign out how much i hate myself on everything around me. Taking my self hatred and blaming it on people leaving ,or people dying, or just people or a large group of people is what makes me evil. I am evil, because i exist.
pks: i am very drunk, and i have no one to talk to .
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Might I apologise for the previous journal entry, me being very drunk and laura telling me to shut up are not a good mix.
Well moving along paste that time period.. Becky almost lost her virginity last night, thank fucking god i can still handle myself under alcohol. The guy was from Holland [I think] and we just started snogging outside while i was smoking, or rather he started snogging me, when i asked him if he new how old i was he said "22?" and i said "how do you feel knowing that your trying to get with a 15 year old, and he pulled back and looked into my eyes and said "you are not 15" lol. Bad habbit of doing that, always pulling back and staring into my eyes, he probably tried to make me trust him by doing that, but it didn't fucking work. I wasn't about to go to his room with him. We did hang out alone in the kitchen for about 2 hours though ;). HAHA his cock was so small, i know that small cocks are supposed to be better at g spot orgasms but fuck.. could thaty thing even pop my cherry? Aahaha, i hold him in such contempt and he doesn't even fucking know, which makes me happy. It gave me a kind of power to remain detached and unfeeling while he was lavishing me with compliments and kisses. Haha, it was all i waste, i didn't and owulnd't fuck him.
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Hola everybody, I really didn't want to do a journal entry because i feel like shit but w.e.
Got my period for the first time since december last night. Not pleasant, if anyon knows anything about my body they know it won't end for a long time and it won't be light for just as long. Now this having my period proposes dire consequences, I can't hang out ith Eric, well I can but I won't be getting anything out of it.
We were planning on hanging out asap, because last night we were talking on msn and *cough cough* well u know.
I was supposed to hangout with laura last night, and celebrate st.paddy's day because she said we would on wednesday htne changed her mind and decided to stay longer in TO... which means that ofcourse she cancelled on me [she always does] and I spent the entire night sitting on my ass when I could ahve gone out. And I still haven't celebrated St.Paddy's day. AND I'M IRISH!!! non irish people are dont celebrating and i haven't *tear* I better be getting drunk tonight ongreen beer and singing irish drinking songs at the top of my lungs. Wait, if I hang out with laura the first one will deffinately happen but the second one will deffinately not. Why can't I get drunk with fun people? that like to sing and dance and be loud and have fun and don't worry about wha'ts "propper" . She's the closest thing i have to a friend, and she always ditches me and when we are together she refuses to have fun. GAH
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So last night I went to Laura's XD
Well first we went to centrum and got coffee and she applied to work at starbucks, it was wierd though because we saw Craig.. this guy who laura went out with when we were 13.. and he was 21... and we used to go visit him at work and stuff like that. Either way, i tend to see him pretty often but she hasn't talked to him in like 2 years, so it was fun. His friend was sexy, and he used to go to canterbury ;).
Then we made rum jello.. which we still havent eaten, and made KD and eat it and this weird nice noodle stuff which we also ate, and drank green beer and made brownies with green icing. We sat and talked with her parents a bit, and played irish music. Then we went to Tim Hortons and I drank coffee then we went home. and I forgot all my cd's at her house.
I think Laura and I get along better now, or not better.. but differently. Like we actually communicate, before we just kinda were in the same area and did whatever we wanted and didn't really talk.. but it was a fun closeness that you felt. Now we talk about stuff, mainly about how much we want to get out of kanata and how it could be possible and how it would effect the rest of our lives.
I came to a realisation when I was in toronto. Part of the reason why I hate it here, is that I'm still a child. When I was hanging out with the people inthe youth hostle and they were all in the mid to late twenties and i just fit in perfectly with them, i fit in better with them then I do with my friends. Those are the people that I would want to spend my time with, not the people I currently do. And i'm just sick of not fitting in where I am, and now that I know where I do fit in, it almost makes it worse. Because I can't hang out with people like that, i'm not "old enough". I fucking need to learn to act my age.
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My life has been rated : 18A
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So last night I went to adam bents for a party. I got very sick. lol. I hadn't eaten all day, cause we have no food in my house [still]. I ate a tub of rumjello on the way, and then i was just drinking vodka all night. Then I smoked a joint, snorted some codeine, and smoked another joint. Fuck, I was so fucked, lol. Everything was like a picture taken and the pictures were flashing infront of me. It was great, until I puked. I dunno what set it off or omsething, but i puked like 3 times. Then I was fine, and pretty sober since I hadn't really drinken my limit. But i just kind of layed down and listened to the comotion, lol. Everyone was so worried about everything and adam was freaking out. Not so much about me, but Alison was "emotionally freaking out" she was just crying and sobing and throwing fits of anger etc. And some chick I don't know passed out, and adam is never prepared for the responsibilities of inviting drunken teenagers to his house.
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I have to pee... I do this weird thing, I hold my pee in till the last moment when I'm going to piss myself or die. I always do it, I don't relaly know why, I guess i on't want to waste any time or something. Either way, I'm sitting here, 9:36 pm.. i've drinken 6 cups of coffee since 8:00 when i started theory. Which by the way is a very stressful event...
I always feel like I'm shit at theory, because I basically am... but then Sandra will tell me that it's okay and everyone who takes private lessons for royal conservatory finds it just as hard. i do love the history component though, I love history.. mmm.. history.. mmm..
Oh! Guess what I havei n bio? a %64!!! w00t. Talk about failure with a capital F. I really have to start going into more depth, that's my problem i really just scartch the surface during tests n'stuff because I want to get it over with. Plus I just hate science. I have decided though: My summative will be amazing. I have to make it amazing.,. but i have an amazing plant.. cannabliss anyone? XD I can't believe somebody else didn't take it first, oh well.
I really have to just start working again, working like I used to way back in the grade school days before I got bored with everything.. those days when I used to love doing schoo lwork.. I remember those days.. ahh.
I need sex. And I will get it. Soon. As soon as ____ and I have a matching hole in our schedules.
I want to start taking codeine again, but I won't. I have to keep the future in mind... damn future.
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Looking up information for my bio summative.. apparently we don't have to know our topic until next friday therefore I must have all m yresearch done by then so I can kick ass at this project... did anyone else konw there's a band called THC? pretty cool name, but rather annoying when you're trying to find the biochemical properties of weed...
I did a stupid girl thing today and wore a skirt to school in order to remind ____ about how I was wearing a skirt when we were talking last week ;). I feel like a stupid girl, but i also feel pretty because i'm wearing purple tights.
I'm bored in math again, and I love my english teacher more than ever! oh! something important! In drama we pretty much started physically constructing our masks today, so we had already done the base but we put character into them [with tissu paper and gluewater] Looks like I'm going to be an old caring grandmother, I mean we were supposed to choose something oposite of ourselves.. i have a very big bulbous nose, rosy cheeks, laugh lines, large raised eyebrows [/ ] and loads of wrinkles. I'm afraid, because I'm going to have to go so far outside of myself.. oh well, it will be exciting to say the least!
PS: I"m very proud of myself, I got up this morning with more then 5 minutes until i left.. i sitll have to work on the showering bit though...
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Wow, this is one hell of an entry,... no... wait.. it's like 10 entries W00T i rule. now i don't feel bad about ignoring tblog.
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| ahh |
| 03.24.04 (3:00 pm) [edit] |
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I feel bad, for never updating this.. so you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to add all my LJ entries to this one W00T.
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| insight |
| 03.13.04 (8:04 pm) [edit] |
Is being stuborn worth getting kicked out of Insight?
Am I just being stubborn about it? Personally, I think it will cause mroe trouble for myself and Insight if the school finds out I've been skipping, and how would they find out? Well if I started going back to class, and if I needed to be escorted there. Then again, if they did find out i was skipping and blamed insight it would od the same thing.
But here's my thinking: a] how will they find out? On insight days i don't go to school, I don't sign in and I don't sign out, if I go to a class I ask them to mark me absent, and they do. I just can't imagine a situation in which the school would find out. b] if they did find out, who would they blame? They would blame me, who's responsability is it? mine. Erin drops me off somehwere, I bus back to school. If I don't bus back to school, that's my fault, not Insights.
Look, I know this is just me justifying my actions to myself, I want to feel better about the posibility of getting kicked out. I don't want to be kicked out. I love Insight. But what can I do? I promised myself I wouldn't step down on things, on anything, if I believed I was right. If I step down what will hapen? What can they do besides escort me to class, what a waste of time. It's just ridiculous, all of it.
I can't decide whats more important, to stick to who i am and not give in or to stay with insight? Insight does nohing for my life, it ruins my drama and it ruins my voice. It makes me do extra drama hours and it makes me do more work in class. Yet it just seems to be what I do now. Oh well, maybe I'll just lie then. Erin's supposed to email me, I'll see what she has to say, then I'll make a decision. I can see this program falling apart though, without Jill, without a proper drama coach [well who really knows yet] and with a double troop, I hope it stays together and if it doesn't, do I want my name being placed upon it?
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| friday night |
| 03.13.04 (2:19 pm) [edit] |
Last night my friend Lauren Guitar came over for a sleepover, which was pretty cool, cause i havent seen her since november when I OD'd. We spent the whole night laughing, eating cake and chapters hopping, reading and watching anime and most importantly making total asses of ourselves.
Tomorrow I'm going to stay with my sister in Toronto, it should be fun, hopefully because it's HER place she won't feel threatened at all by me and we'll get along. I realise though i won't be able to express my opinion or ask questions for the next couple of days, which makes me kind of uncomfortable, but I would rather not get kicked out of my sisters house. Ofcourse, I could always stay with Ashleigh... right, like that will ever happen. Ashleigh knows nothing about me and it would be so repressive.. no swearing, smoking, drinking, talking, or having fun. No thank you!
Either way i want to go to chapters.. cummooon daddy! come home!
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| wed-nes-day |
| 03.10.04 (4:20 pm) [edit] |
what a good day!
I had insight at John Macrae [sp?] and I saw this old friend of mine Steph, and she told me she misses me and misses canterbury and she got my number and promised to call... which she won't, but that doesn't change the happy feeling a got when we were together again.
Doing insight just makes me happy, so there's another good thing. Oh and afterwards Enoch and Angie and I hung out downtown and walked over to Jack Purcell to reminisce. Oh those summer training days... those were the best. I miss it soo much, and for that I want to be a Drama Assistant but I don't think I will make it because...
Erin and I went out for coffee to discuss my skipping of school after Insight, and she pretty much said that if I didn't stop then I would get kicked out. But I made a promise to myself, and to my therapist, a long time ago that I wouldn't continue to do things for other peoples benefit if it didn't fit in with the way I want to live my life. And I [u]need[/u] to miss school, if I don't I get really bored and stop paying attention etc.
Oh today I also found out that Peter is probably going to stay with Acey in toronto at the same time as I'm going. And I love peter, he always makes me feel better when I'm shitty. We aren't exactly friends, but whever we talk it just works, like we analyse paintings a lot together and talk a lot about human nature and society and we agree as much as we disagree but we can always figuer each other out. I guess we're both afraid that if we became friends, we would loose those special moments in the big array of a social life.
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| hello |
| 03.09.04 (3:27 pm) [edit] |
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thought i would make the customary hello blog.. and for all those of you who don't know who i am YOU SHOULD. I"m becky. anywho my livejournal is written on the left side of the thingy somewhere but it doesn't really matter as i will be posting in this peice of crap for a while. love ya!
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